March 13, 2016

What’s The First Step To Get Your Ex Back

Video Summary

In this video, Clay talks about early moves you can make to re-introduce yourself to your ex.

If you’re hoping to build a bridge back to your ex and the relationship you had together there are several things you can do as a beginning. At Relationship Inner Game, our first step is always the same.

Active No Contact

If you have not yet completed the Active No Contact, ANC, period following your breakup, you should begin immediately. This short period totally away from your ex makes it possible for you to examine the things that may have gone wrong and to implement some new rules that will assist you in becoming a better partner. The exercise is not meant to re-capture her or to make her love you again, necessarily. This exercise is more about helping you come to grips with the Three Mindset Pillars that color everything you do in life.

Get back into contact with a letter

If you have finished the ANC period, you might try writing a short letter. The tone of this letter should be light and happy without any guilt or misery overtones. It might be as simple as saying something like, “I’d forgotten how entwined my life is with you.” Then go on to talk about something you’ve seen or done that he or she might have enjoyed with you. This can also be done through an email, a card or even a text message. The tone of your communication is the key. It must positive, upbeat, and reflect the new way you have of looking at things after completing the initial ANC work.

Watch how he/she responds

Don’t read too much into the response – if there is one. At this point in your interaction, your ex is still probably very mistrustful of you. Once trust has been sacrificed, it will take some time to regain it. If your ex seems overjoyed and eager to see you, it might be a good sign. Nevertheless, you need to be mindful that it’s easy to slip back into old habits – even the bad ones that interfered with your interaction before.

Meanwhile, just keep living the lessons you learned, especially the one about how you are the only one responsible for your happiness. Your ex cannot just flip a switch and bring you joy and you can’t do that for your ex. It’s time now to celebrate the here and now.

About Clay Andrews

Clay and Mika are the creators of Ex Solution Program and help couples get back together.



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