You’ve just had the conversation.
Your ex and you are officially broken up.
So what’s the next step?
Should you immediately call him or her on the phone to win back your love?
How about sending a thousand text messages professing your undying feelings?
These steps are perfectly normal occurrences for the average pair breaking things off, but they’re not the best routes to returning your relationship.
In fact, panic is the enemy. Panic equals desperation – Desperation and being hot headed are the enemies.
In this article, we’ll talk about how you can suppress the panicky feelings you may be having, show you how to calm down, and strategize about your relationship.
Where Does the Panic Come From?
You may be an otherwise very rational person, but when it comes to the end of your relationship your brain cells just turn off and let your heart do the talking.
That’s how you end up drunk-dialing your ex to try to get back together, cringing the next morning when you realize what you’ve done. Why do you feel so crazy when it comes to love?
The panic you feel comes from the immediate loss of control that you experience. One minute you’re laughing, having fun, and even arguing – but you know what to expect.
After a break-up you’re suddenly spun into a world of unknowns. Even if you weren’t all that happy in your relationship, at least it was familiar.
You feel an immediate need to do something to help you regain that control. So you choose to do a lot of things that actually end up making things worse.
Before you can do anything about regaining your relationship, you have to dial down the panic and become a rational human being again.
Take a Break
Now that you’ve broken up with your significant other, it’s important that you take a true break from your relationship.
In other words, you need to stop calling, emailing, stopping by, or showing up at locations where you think your ex will be found.
You may think that the key to winning back your true love is to show him or her how much you really care as soon as possible – before it’s too late to ever recover.
The truth is, you’ll end up causing your ex to feel alienated and even angrier with you.
When your emotions are raw and a break up is fresh, you’re more likely to:
- Say things that aren’t true
- Say things that will push your ex’s buttons
- Try to make your ex feel jealous
- Use unkind words to make your ex feel bad
- Behave like a stalker
- Taunt your ex and rehash old arguments
- Seek revenge
As you can see, nothing in the above list is very attractive.
These aren’t good strategies for getting your ex to return to you – but because you’re panicking, they seem like perfectly good ways to get back into your relationship.
Instead, you need to allow yourself to have a cooling off period. Look at your calendar and choose a period of time of about a month. Circle the date that falls about a month from now.
That is the next day you can allow yourself to talk to your ex. If you feel like calling, emailing, or visiting your ex before that date,
STOP! Yes, you’ll be thinking about him or her, but you can’t allow your feelings to override the break that you both need.
If you really want to get back with your ex, you need time to clear your head and become rational again. Then you’ll be able to see where things truly fell apart.
You’ll also be able to open real lines of communication when there’s a little time and distance between the two of you.
You want to take a break, but sometimes dealing with an ex in your daily life is inevitable.
For example – you may work together, take classes together, or truly travel in the same circle of friends.
Unless you want to hole up like a hermit, you don’t want to be rude and completely ignore your ex, but you just don’t want to open up the lines of deep communication.
Just smile, be friendly, say, “Hello,” and then walk away or go about your business.
Completely ignoring your ex could make him feel like you’re bitter, angry, or trying to get back at him.
Instead, you want present a calm, cool demeanor – even if you’re really freaking out inside.
No shaving your head and attacking a car window with an umbrella just because you’re feeling a bit moody a la Brittany Spears.
You Need This Time
Staying away from your ex is really important because it allows you to ride out the panicky feelings and move into a more strategic mode. You’ll need this month of time so that you can plan your strategy well.
You also need to cool off from the emotions that always surround a breakup.
There may be a very specific reason that your relationship ended, but during those initial days, you may have a hard time focusing on what needs to change.
Instead you’re focused on your feelings of rejection, loneliness, and hurt.
Giving yourself some time away from your ex is a gift that will allow you to accomplish what you really want in the end – reconciliation.
They Need This Time
You may have heard the phrase, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” If you want to get back with your ex, you need to give him or her time to miss you.
How can they miss you when you won’t leave them alone? So, while your initial reaction may be to try to keep in constant contact, it will surely backfire.
Allow your ex to have a chance to get some distance from the breakup as well. You want your ex to feel like you respect him, like you understand his concerns, and begin to miss you.
Taking a real break allows all three of these things to happen. Giving your former relationship partner a break also helps you to appear mature, calm, cool, and collected – even if you aren’t there just yet.
These are all attractive qualities in a mate.
Give Yourself a Break
What can you do during this time? If you’re not spending time with your relationship partner, you may really not know what to do with yourself.
Here are a few ideas for keeping yourself busy the first few weeks.
Reconnect With Old Friends
During a relationship, couples often isolate themselves from friends. Take this opportunity to catch up on old times with the people you care about in your life.
This is a nice distraction when you’re suffering from a breakup. Just don’t make your breakup the focus of all of your conversations.
Renew a Hobby
Is there a hobby you enjoy that you’ve neglected? Take a few weeks to get back into it without feeling guilty of the time spent doing something other than worshiping your boyfriend.
Whether you enjoy going hiking, photography, or playing an instrument, now’s the time to focus on something that really interests you as an individual.
You might also meet some new friends to help take your mind off of the old pain.
Focus More Energy at Work
Is there an area of your career you’ve been neglecting? Now is the perfect time to put in a few extra hours at the office.
You won’t be tempted to make a phone call too early if you’re busy getting things done at your workplace.
It’s normal for people to feel blue after a breakup. But it’s critical that you don’t fall into a pit of despair when you’re working toward getting back together.
You don’t want to make it even harder by falling into depression.
Here are some things you need to avoid during this time.
- Sleeping all day
- Staying at home instead of accepting invitations to go out
- Drowning yourself in alcohol (especially because it leads to drunk-dialing and text messaging)
- Telling everyone who will listen about your break up
- Making any major life decisions
- Calling in sick to work
While it may be tempting to hole up in your bed watching Jerry Springer all day, you need to continue living your life.
Wake up early, get plenty of exercise, get to work on time, and fill your day with things you enjoy.
Managing Your Feelings Using The FAST FORWARD Technique
We have all heard the saying “Time heals all wounds.” But, that is little solace for the person experiencing the pain of the wound RIGHT NOW.
Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a way to “fast forward” past the pain?
Just press a button and speed up time to a point where we feel more balanced and rational. While I don’t have a magical button for you to press, I do have The Fast Forward Technique.
The Fast Forward Technique has many uses, but one of the best is for getting over the pain of loss. If you commit to performing this three times a day at least, you will be amazed.
STEP 1: Feel whatever it is you are feeling and notice how and where you feel it. For example many people feel emotional hurt in their chest or heart (that is why it is called heart break).
But, that may or may not be true for you. Now just focus on your feeling and ask yourself silently or aloud the following:
Can I allow this feeling?
Can I welcome this feeling?
And then answer. It doesn’t matter if it is a Yes or No.
STEP 2: Ask “Could I let this feeling go?” Again, a Yes or No is acceptable.
STEP 3: Ask “Would I let this feeling go?”
STEP 4: Ask “When?”
STEP 5: Now examine the feeling again. Does it feel different? Did you feel a shift? The shift is different for everyone, but is a sign of small healing.
You want to feel how your feeling has changed and repeat steps 1 thru 5. The Fast Forward Technique should not be a struggle. In fact, it will usually feel quite warm and soothing.
You will want to do 2 or 3 sessions a day. One session may be 5 or 6 repetitions or more through the 5 steps. Also, let me let you in on a little secret.
I have used The Fast Forward Technique for many things including managing my feelings about:
- Quitting smoking
- Dealing with “snack attacks”
- Writers Block
- Getting over my father’s death
- Sticking with my workout program
- Major arguments with my wife
The Fast Forward Technique and I are old friends and I hope that by introducing you to each other, you will reap a lifetime of benefits as well.
About the author
T W Jackson has helped over 15,000 couples get back together through his book, Magic Of Making Up.
Visit www.magicofmakingup.com for more details.
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