In this video, Clay discusses appropriate vs inappropriate ways to reach out to your ex.
People often have mixed results when they attempt to open a line of communication with their former partner. In order to reach out effectively to your ex, you must be sure that your message – whether it is actually spoken, or communicated in body language – should be a positive, non threatening one.
Don’t guilt them
It’s important that the message you send your ex, in person, in an email, or through a text is one that does not paint you as a victim. Do not say something like, “I saw a woman who knew us as a couple, and she was sad to learn we’d broken up.” This only serves to make your ex feel badly. Your message should be one of hope and happiness. You must first do the complete Active No Contact exercise thoroughly in order to be comfortable in your own skin and accepting of the reality you now live. You aren’t a couple anymore. But you probably still have things in common, so, saying that one of your favorite restaurants is having a special that you know she’ll like would be appropriate.
Don’t be needy
Don’t call to ‘take’ from him/her. When you do call or otherwise contact your ex, be sure that you are not in desperation. You do not want your ex to think you only want him/her because you’re in pain. Instead, you should be reaching out to share something worthwhile. Talk about an interesting book, music you like in common, good news about a friend you share. This will serve to soothe any angst your ex may have about interacting with you instead of fostering dread and a sense of doom when your number shows up on the caller ID.
Give value – Don’t just take
If your ex is ignoring you, it’s probably because they are protecting themselves from the hurt they think you want to share. When you are actively giving value to your ex in your conversations, you also make yourself valuable. When you can help to build and affirm your former partner, you create a sense of new trust and respect for both of you, which is essential if you are ever to re-kindle your romance.
Practice looking for ways in which you can offer something to your ex. When you can build them up rather than tear them down, you create an environment he or she will want to enjoy more and more often, opening the door to getting back together.
About Clay Andrews
Clay and Mika are the creators of Ex Solution Program and help couples get back together.
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