Video Transcript
Hi, this is Marni Battista from datingwithdignity.com and welcome back. I want to really acknowledge you for staying with this process and watching all these videos and I hope that over the last few days you really started to implement some of the strategies we’ve talked about and are enjoying the fruits of your hard work.
So today we are going to talk about mastering skills and what is important about mastering skills is that the news is you have to learn stuff nobody taught you.
People ask me this all the time. I call it navigating through the gap, because they changed their mindset and they are always adjusting it or falling in love with themselves and then they don’t know how to do the new stuff.
They have unwind from the past, but nobody has taught them what they need to do to be and starting living in that high energy level five positivity.
So there are a lot of skills that I want you to learn to really be a successful dignity dater, but today I’m going to give you three tips in three different areas, all areas which I need you to master skills in, in order to be the woman that men are looking for.
So here is the first one, communication. Communication is really tough sometimes because this is where our default tendencies go to.
For example, when somebody says something that makes you feel prickly, you might get defensive. You might get this tendency where you need to be right so you will go into this whole story about how you know better or why that’s not true for you.
Now defensiveness is down to that level two conflict energy that we talked about in the proceeding videos.
So what you need to do is really have the skills to listen to what the person is saying and then communicate your point of view in a way that is from the feminine and that, again, is from this win-win mindset.
So how does it go? I call it no combat communication and it is a very important tool in the dating with dignity toolbox.
And it looks like this, when somebody says something to you that’s making you feel a little wonky, you’re going to first do what I call acknowledging and validating.
And really what you’re doing is your stepping into the shoes of the person that you’re talking to.
Now I have some clients who say I tried no combat but it didn’t work and I say well do you think so and so felt? And they don’t really know in a core way.
They can say well I’m sure he’s working really hard and really stressed out, but they actually stop and think how that person really feels.
Because if you don’t do this it just sounds like your placating them, you know, just telling them what they want to hear. So it might sound like this, I know that school is really hard for you right now and you are under a lot of stress and I totally get that, and you’re looking them in the eye and you’re really having that heart connection because you want them to know that you care.
Compassion. Empathy. You start out with acknowledging and validating but really form a place of truly stepping into their shoes. So you really know how they might feel or at least you can guess.
The second part is stating your needs. Now, for some of us, we don’t even know what we need. So let’s break it down to basics here, mad, glad, scared, or sad.
Doesn’t have to get complicated. So what you want to do is you want to figure out how you feel and then what you need.
So in the situation I was talking about, you would tell this person, let’s call him John, John I know your so stressed out and that work is crazy and school is really hard right now and you really want to get through this program but I’m feeling really disappointed that we aren’t seeing more of each other and it’s kind of making me sad because I really want to spend time with you and have fun with you.
I need to know that you’re willing to invest a little bit higher level so we can spend more time together. Now some of you are watching this going that sounds good but I could never figure out how to say that myself.
The truth is you can. You have to practice and you have to break it down and you have to be willing to come from that feeling place. Most of us skip that part.
We just say I need to spend more time with you. When you back it up to the feelings state first, men and woman both hear it and they feel it and now you’re both communicating form a place of empathy and compassion.
There are feelings involved, not just demands.
So the third part of this is really coming to that win-win and this is the place where I want you to win because I really want you to be happy and the other person is like I want you to win because I really want you to be happy, in fact, nobody is going to win unless we both get our needs met.
So you might wrap up this conversation by saying, so I know you’re really stressed out and I’m just really hoping because it seems like we are both in a good space with each other, if we could work something out where you feel like you’re not under pressure but we are spending more time together, are you willing to give that a try, can we work something out?
Now all of a sudden, the energy of that conversation is so different from that place of defensive. So the first time you heard this idea, you might think well, you know, he doesn’t want to spend time with me, it’s his loss and he needs to and blah blah blah.
That’s not going to get you what you want and it’s definitely not going to keep you calm. So that the communication skill. It’s no combat communication.
It’s acknowledge and validate, state your need, and then collaborate, work with the other person, to find out a solution. So now let’s talk about another important skill and this happens every day, and it’s how to deal with conflict, whether it’s conflict with another person or conflict with yourself.
I call this one the so what approach.
Because what happens is we get so wrapped up in something and we think we’re right and we want to fight for it and we put those boxing gloves on that we talked about in video number two, but guess what?
Ask yourself this, is this something I am really going to care about a week from now, three months from now, a year from now? Because if your able to say so what, it allows you an opportunity to stop fighting.
Now, you might want to say so what and walk away because you got to pick your battles.
You might want to come to resolution and I have three other choices for avoiding conflict, but for right now I just want you to consider when you get into it and your guard starts to get up and your neck starts to tense up and you get all bristly, ask yourself, am I really going to care about this next week, next month?
So the last thing I want to give you a tip on is how to really master the skill of being a dignity dater and this is an important tip and its coming from your femininity and it’s really allowing yourself to receive and say yes.
When he asks when he can help you with something, say yes. When he asks you if you want to wear his jacket, say yes. And when he suggests a place to go, even though it might not be your favorite place, especially at the beginning of dating, say yes.
Allow yourself to be treated. Allow yourself to have an opportunity that’s a little bit out of your control and maybe even your comfort zone.
So that’s the third skill I really want you master, is the art of femininity and allowing yourself to receive.
So we have talked about changing your mindset, adjusting it always, falling in love with yourself, and then we mastered a few really important skills.
So I hope you have enjoyed this series. I’ll talk to you soon and thanks so much for watching.
About the author
Marni Battista, founder of Dating with Dignity, has professional training in dating and relationship coaching as well as training in the Core Energy Coaching Process from the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC).
A certified Life Coach through the International Coaching Federation, Battista is also a Master Practitioner at administering an Energy Assessment-”The D-Factor”-which helps clients pinpoint exactly why they are or are not “date-able” and what types of messages they unconsciously broadcast to men based on their thoughts, feelings, actions and attitudes.
To know more about Marni Battista, visit her website, http://datingwithdignity.com/
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