David settled into a chair in my office and asked me, “Why do nice guys seem to finish last with women, while jerks tend to be successful?”
If you’re a single, heterosexual man who can’t seem to date the girls you desire, you’ve surely exclaimed some version of David’s lament more times than you can count: “I’m one of the nicest guys I know, how come women treat me like crap?”
Well, the answer to the Nice Guy Syndrome is multifaceted, but first, let’s define a few terms. Depending on who you ask, the definition of “Jerks” and “Nice Guys” will be greatly assorted. But I’m not concerned with the meaning that others attach.
For our purposes; I’ll be using these definitions:
Nice Guys care more about a woman’s wants and desires than they do about their own.
Jerks care more about their own wants and desire than they do about a woman’s.
Jerks go by many names depending on what circles you travel in. You may have heard them called Assholes, bad boys, thugs, or players.
Keep in mind, many of these names aren’t always precise synonyms – but they do embody a certain “type” in the minds of those doing the “name calling”.
Jerks, or whatever you want to call them, are mainly successful with women because they have a surplus of two attributes:
Comfortableness and Confidence
Jerks tend to have lots of positive traits that come along for the ride of their badness such as good looks, confidence, creativity, a good sense of humor, charm, high energy, and good social skills– all things women find attractive.
Jerks have the ability to flagrantly be themselves around even the most attractive of women. And while they’re in the process of “being themselves”, they’re also not afraid to “ask for” or “go for” what they want.
In other words, these guys are comfortable and confident to the 9th degree when it comes to trying to get with women.
Jerks don’t really ever commit, consequently women are always chasing after them. The ultimate challenge! The truth is most women don’t want to be with a pansy.
It has to do with some basic human instincts all women have within themselves. The instincts that they need to have a man that can take care of them, provide, and protect them.
On the other hand, the Nice Guy’s persona often sends the wrong message. It says “I’m desperate and I need you because I can’t deal with life without you.” (That makes me cringe just writing it.)
Many Nice Guys lack both comfortableness and confidence when they’re in the company of women they find attractive.
Nice Guys tend to repel the very women they are interested in because they are so “uncomfortable” around these women and lack the confidence to speak or act in a self-assured way.
So, two guys walk into a room. One of them is a Jerk and the other is a Nice Guy, but both of them see the same girl at the same time, and both of them are attracted to her.
What do you think happens?
Well, nine times out of ten the Nice Guy will freeze up like a deer caught in the headlights at the very sight of this “beautiful-licious” woman.
Meanwhile, the Jerk, will leap into action! However, oftentimes, the things he says or does comes across so arrogant that a good number of women are turned off by his approach – but NOT ALL.
Without a doubt, a number of women will go for him over the Nice Guy, regardless of how tastelessly the Jerk comes on to them.
You see, a Jerk wins out over the Nice Guy in the eyes of countless women simply because he, at the very least, had the balls to ACT on his wants and desires while the nice guy didn’t! Crap!!
Like it or not, generally women prefer to play the passive role when it comes to meeting a guy. That’s just the way it is. Accept it and deal with it!
So how do you overcome the Nice Guy syndrome?
If you’re currently what I’ve just described as a Nice Guy, understand that you don’t have to become an ego-inflated, arrogant jerk. You just have to LIKE yourself and go after it. Only then will you be able to attract that type of woman you want.
Remind yourself you can be just as successful with women as the next guy – even the “jerk guy”. The only thing that separates you from those guys is their knack to be comfortable and their willingness to be upfront and straightforward about their desires for that woman.
So how do you do this?
Overcoming the Nice Guy syndrome requires practice, but it’s simpler than you think.
It will require you to step outside of your comfort zone and do things you’re not currently doing. (Hey, nothing worth having comes easy, right?)
The great thing about dating is, you can practice little by little with attractive women you meet. (Remember Rome wasn’t built in a day.)
As you practice, your self-confidence will increase, and you’ll find yourself more successful at dating before you know it.
So here are some things to start working on:
1. Be playful. It’s a fact, women like playful teasing. It’s probably the most effective form of flirting.
It displays a strong sense of confidence and humor…two things that are particularly attractive to women. In addition, it makes them feel comfortable and relaxed around you.
2. Be confident around her. First of all, I’m not saying you should be cocky or only push your agenda. What I am saying is women aren’t attracted to guys they don’t respect.
Often, they’ll test a guy in indirect ways to see how much he’ll stand up for himself, or to see how masculine he is.
The typical Nice Guy response is to “give in.” Don’t do this. Set yourself apart. Stand up for yourself and say directly if she’s doing something that you don’t like.
3. Stand tall and look them in the eye. One of the fastest, easiest, effective factors that will change the way a woman looks at you for the better is proper posture and body language.
Women are wired to be attracted to men who stand/sit straight up (regardless of your height), and who look them in the eye when talking to them.
Make these aspects of good body language part of your persona, and there will definitely be a difference in the way women see you. You will even start to feel more confident just by doing this.
Going Forward – The challenge now is to transform this knowledge and desire into positive action.
So go out there and field-test these suggestions. And remember devote as much of your time as possible making yourself confident, comfortable and ready to connect with women.
If this seems impossible, by all means, seek help. Relationship Coaching is a wonderful support outlet. If it can help you find the woman of your dream, please make an appointment today.
Oh, and if you’re wondering what happened to David: he now says he is a “Reformed Nice Guy,” and is dating a girl he had been super attracted to, but afraid to ask out. Way to go David!!! It all happened in a quite timely manner, as well. Once he put down the “Nice Guy act” and began to work on himself (learning to like himself, perfecting his dating skills and going for it), he was unstoppable.
Okay, the earlier you start, the faster you will enjoy the benefits. So take the Nice Guy smile off your face and go kick some ass.
About the author
Ana Loiselle is a Relationship Coach, Speaker and Author. As the owner of The New Mexico Relationship Center, she has applied sensible, positive and effective strategies to help singles and couples work out their relationship challenges.
She specializes in improving communication, and understanding how to make relationships work.
For more information visit www.nmRelationshipCenter.com or call 505.872.8743.
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