I’m Dr. Margaret Paul. I’m the author of 8 published books and co-creator of the powerful inner bonding healing process. I’d like to talk to you today about addiction.
Specifically, an addiction to spending because that’s what Mary Beth came to me about for a phone session. She said to me that she had thought that she had handled this.
She thought it was a pretty handled issue because she had been doing a lot of work on herself. But when she went home for Christmas and her mother treated her badly, as her mother always had been judgmental, critical of her, she came home and all of a sudden she found herself buying everything in sight.
So she called me and was wondering what she should do about this? Why was this happening when she had this addiction under control?
Now the problem is that Mary Beth had never dealt with something that many of us never deal with, is the feelings that we actually feel when somebody is actually like a mother, somebody that we are close to is treating us in a very unhealthy way.
When we were little we had to not feel the deep heartbreak of that. We might have even died if we felt how unloving the people around us were to many of us. So we learned to go into our heads and numb out and we learned many addictions.
Mary Beth learned to spend as soon as she was an adolescent and she was earning money. She started spending as a way to fill up the empty space that is always there when we abandon ourselves.
She learned to abandon herself the way we all learned to abandon ourselves when we are little, when we feel that heartbreak and that loneliness and the heartache of other peoples unloving behavior towards us.
So what I did is I helped Mary Beth learn to handle these feelings. I’m going to show you what that looks like right now.
I said to her, Mary Beth I would like you to put your hands on your heart right now. Our hands can bring in healing energy.
When we are open to loving, we bring love into our body from our spiritual source and that love can come into our hands. So we put our hands on our hearts, we are bringing loving energy to this broken heart.
So I said, Mary Beth please put your hands on your heart and breathe into your heart and open to kindness and caring and tenderness for the feelings in there of heartbreak and loneliness that you felt when your mother was angry and judgmental towards you and take a minute to be with those feelings and breathe into them, which Mary Beth did on the phone.
Then I said to her, I’d let you to tune into what are these feelings telling you?
All of our feelings are a source of inner guidance. Our feelings of anxiety and guilt and shame and anger are letting us know that we are treating ourselves un-lovingly.
But our feelings of heartbreak and heartache and loneliness and grief and sorrow are telling us what’s happening externally.
These feelings were telling Mary Beth that her mother was indeed being very unloving to her and once she opens to these feelings, if she would have opened to them while she was with her mother, then she could have opened to learning about what would have been loving to her in the face of her mother unloving behavior.
She might have been able to say to her mother, mom when you criticize me and yell at me like that, it really hurts my heart, I don’t like being around you when you’re treating me like that.
Then she might have gone into another room or taken a walk or she might have been open to learning with her mother.
She would have said, mom I’d like to understand why your always putting me down, I know that you love me but you’re not treating me lovingly and I would like to understand what that’s about. Now, maybe her mother would have opened to that and maybe not.
If not, Mary Beth would still need to say mom it just doesn’t feel good so I don’t want to be with you when your treating me like that and I’m going to go take a walk.
Instead, what Mary Beth did is she gave herself up. She tried to be what her mom wanted to her be and that is a form of self-abandonment.
That’s a form of trying to control her mother and not taking loving care of herself. Most of us have not learned how to take loving care of ourselves.
Would you like to learn how to do that?
Inner bonding is an extremely powerful process for learning to love yourself, for learning to take loving care of yourself.
So I encourage you to come to innerbonding.com to take our free course, to join our membership site, to come to our workshops, come to our intensives, learn the inner bonding process. I hope to see you online.
About the author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books,relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process -featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette.
Visit her website at http://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone sessions available.
Visit http://innerbonding.com/relationshipmicro/ for a free video on conflict, rejection and control issues you may be having.
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