You know her. She’s that friend who is constantly trying to get the guy she’s dating, her “kind of” boyfriend, to commit to her by doing everything in her power to make him happy.
She does what he does, she goes along with whatever he wants, she reads articles about how to make him commit…She loses herself, she’s unhappy and she painfully waits for him to finally say, “You are the one for me – there is no one else.”
“Quit getting involved with guys who don’t want to commit!” you want to yell at her.
Do you know that friend? Is she you? You don’t have to be her any longer.
Ladies, don’t invest all your energy in someone you have to make commit. Your “boyfriend” being afraid to commit is a big red flag that will lead to bigger problems down the road for you.
So don’t make him! Instead, attract the man who is ready to commit to you, the real you, from the beginning.
If you are looking for some tips on how to attract that man who will commit to you, read on!
1. Be the Real You
When we are in the dating scene, we go to great lengths to look like the supermodel we always wanted to be and to be the girl of his dreams.
We wear platform shoes, miniskirts, and miracle bras. We suddenly love Budweiser, martinis, and the Bruins.
We love having sex every night, massaging his shoulders, and we purr at the thought of showing him what great housekeepers we are. We love all his friends (even the annoying one).
We are invincible and quite the catch. And he believes we are the perfect woman – until time catches up with us and we have to be the real us.
What’s soon evident is the fact that I only wear a small B cup, not the DD’s that they appeared to be. Um, yes, I don’t always wear makeup and I have pimples and blotchy skin.
I actually really don’t like drinking every night and I’d rather spend some time alone watching a movie and talking (not just making out).
And that sport? Nope, don’t like that either.
Yet, we are in love at that point and so although our instincts tell us we’re miserable, we continue on with the hope that once he’s ready to settle down, he’ll change.
On the flip side, he’s thinking – what happened to that girl who once loved to do everything I did? She’s changed and I’m not sure if she’s “the one.”
Go after the things you want in life. Develop hobbies and interests that keep you happy, entertained, creative, and fulfilled. Control your destiny and do not waste your time trying to mold yourself into a person you don’t want to be.
There is a difference between trying new things with your boyfriend and becoming someone he wants you to be.
Women try to appease their boyfriends by doing whatever it is he wants, but we become unhappy in the long run – especially if he does end up committing.
Now we are in a long-term relationship with someone we don’t like hanging out with and who doesn’t like hanging out with us.
2. Make Your Desires Clear From the Beginning
Make sure that the person you start dating knows what you want – from the start. Share with him that you are looking for a serious and monogamous relationship, not just a fun time.
Sometimes, a woman may think that speaking up may seem too pushy, but if he’s not ready to commit later on down the road, then at least you know that up front and can make an honest decision early on as to how you want to proceed.
Don’t continue getting deeper into the relationship with the ulterior motive that you can get him to commit. You get hurt, and he feels pressured. It won’t work.
Don’t try to be something that you’re not just to lure your boyfriend into commitment. Don’t pretend to be interested in everything he does, because then he is falling in love with someone you are not.
Periodically engaging in activities he enjoys is fine, but pretending to like something you don’t, is a game where no one wins. Be honest with your man about what you do and do not like.
You get to be you – and he gets to know the real you. How great would it be to feel free enough to be your authentic self and to still be loved by your man?
A happy committed relationship will unravel if it is built on untruths and disingenuous ideas. Be honest about who you are, appreciate your differences, and he will too.
If he doesn’t, then you both can move on to a new relationship – to the right relationship. Being committed to someone who loves you because he thinks you’re something you’re not will only lead to unhappiness later on.
This statement taken from “Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Living” poignantly sums up what I mean: “Commitment is clearer when it’s expressed assertively.
There is much greater opportunity for enjoyment in a relationship when each partner openly expresses just what it is that he or she enjoys!
Assertiveness strengthens one’s purpose in a relationship, avoiding the self-defeating style of ‘going along quietly’…
And, of course, if I know you’ll be honest with me, and can say no if you don’t like an idea or action, I’m freer to be myself in the relationship, and can trust you more fully.” [i]
3. Don’t Lose Yourself in the Relationship
Be kind to yourself. Remained focused on your life so that you continue to build yourself up and love the life you have, with and without your partner.
By focusing on your life, you will be creating something valuable that no one can take away from you – his commitment will only add to your life, not complete your life (and won’t detract from your life if he’s not ready to commit).
This concept is very attractive to others and will help remind you of all that you have going on in your life, with or without the commitment.
Part of loving someone else is allowing yourself to be vulnerable in the right way. Vulnerability is not valuing someone else at the cost of devaluing yourself.
It’s about the courage to be who you really are without the fear that you will be rejected. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable by being your true self will attract the man who will willingly commit to you on his own.
Ladies, love yourself and love your life and be authentic from the beginning. More than anything, that will attract the man who will be ready to commit to you.
There will be no more trying to make him commit. Instead, commitment will end up being the natural and happy process that you deserve.
About the author
Kristy Labardee is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Redlands, California. She counsels individuals, couples, and families seeking to improve their lives.
She specializes in working with couples, anxiety, depression, and trauma.
She especially enjoys working with military families and MFT Students/Interns. You can find out more about Kristy by visiting her website at www.kristylabardeecounseling.com.
Follow her on Twitter (@KristyLabardee) or connect with her on Facebook (Kristy Labardee, MS, LMFT).
[i] Alberti, Robert E., and Michael L. Emmons. “Assertiveness Builds Equal Relationships.” Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Living. San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact, 1986. 116. Print.
[ii] The Power of Vulnerability. Dir. TEDtalksDirector. Perf. Brene Brown. YouTube. YouTube, 03 Jan. 2011. Web. 20 Mar. 2012. <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o>.
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