Hi, I’m Dr. Margaret Paul. I’m the co-creator of the powerful inner bonding healing process. I would like to talk to you about hurt, about getting your feelings hurt.
All of us have had our feeling hurt and so often we think that when we are hurt, it’s because of what somebody else said or what somebody else did and they treated us.
The problem with this is that this puts us in a victim state. The moment we think somebody else is causing our feelings of hurt then we are a victim and once we go into a victim state we either get locked in there, we feel really badly or we try and do something to get the other person to change or get the other person to see what they did that hurt us so they will in some way take responsibility for our feelings.
But I’d like to present you another way to look at hurt feelings. Let’s say you have beautiful blonde hair and somebody says to you I think your purple hair is really ugly, now your feelings wouldn’t get hurt because you know you don’t have purple hair.
You would not be taking that personally because you would know whatever’s going on with that other person is 100% their issue, either they are colorblind or something else is going on with them or they are making a joke, but you wouldn’t get hurt by somebody telling you that you purple hair is ugly when you know you have blonde hair.
Well, the problem is that lots of times when people say something to us, like they tell us we are being judgmental or we are being uncaring or we are being selfish, sometimes that taps into something we are judging ourselves for. in other words, let’s say your attempting to do inner bonding and your attempting to take loving care of yourself, but some part of you is saying I wonder if I’m being selfish when I take loving care of myself and that’s not clear for you, you’re not sure what selfishness is and so somebody come along and say your being selfish when you do what you want to do instead of what I want you to do, then you’re taking in their judgment because you already have that judgment.
It’s tapping into something you already believe. Its tapping into something your already telling yourself and the actual hurt feeling is coming from what you’re telling yourself and how you’re treating yourself rather than what the other person said.
Like if I know that taking care of myself is anything but selfish, its self-responsible and I k now if I’m really taking loving care of myself, I’m filling myself with love and I’m sharing that love with others and that if someone else thinks I’m being selfish it’s because they are wanting to give myself up and take care of them because they don’t want to take responsibility for themselves.
Then if they say to me your being really selfish, my feelings don’t get hurt because I’m going inside and saying this person is abandoning themselves, this person wants me to care take them, this person wants to judge me and take responsibility for him/her because this person really doesn’t want to take responsibility for themselves, this is not my issue, this doesn’t have anything to do with me, and so when I don’t take another person’s behavior personally because it’s not tapping into some judgment that I have then my feelings are not going to be hurt.
So next time your feelings are hurt instead of looking at what the other person is doing, look at what you’re saying to yourself, and look at how you’re judging yourself that’s causing your hurt feelings.
About the author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books,relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process -featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette.
Visit her website at http://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone sessions available.
Visit http://innerbonding.com/relationshipmicro/ for a free video on conflict, rejection and control issues you may be having.
Powered by Facebook Comments