We find it incredibly difficult to end things these days and what I find time and again that when it comes to the end of a relationship, there are two kinds of people.
There are stickers who want to stay and save the relationship, and there are leavers who want to end the relationship, and whichever side of the camp you’re on, it’s incredibly difficult because your partner is making it harder for you to end this relationship or to save this relationship.
And Heal and Move on is actually all about understanding when is the right time to try and stop trying to save the relationship and when it would be kinder to yourself, to your partner and also your children to actually try and work it, splitting in the best possible way.
So I talk about the seven stages that every relationship goes through as it comes towards the end.
And in particular, look at something called reclaiming yourself because what’s happening at this point in the relationship is you’ve almost got to do the opposite of when you first came together because you moved from “I” to “we” and you’ve effectively got to go back the other way and actually take back some of the skills that you actually gave to your partner.
It could be things like they were the one who did all the cooking, you have to do that for yourself again.
Sometimes it can be more emotional ones like they were the one who made sense of everything and you’ve got to be able to learn to step back and do that for yourself.
The most important thing is that it will take time, but if you actually allow yourself to mourn rather than try to rush forward to the future, you’ll probably make a much better recovery.
And in fact the people who do normally make the best recovery surprisingly enough are not the leavers, but the stickers.
The leavers rush off into a new relationship, hoping to solve all their problems in the arms of somebody new and often crash and burn, whereas the stickers who really try and understand why the relationship ended learn from it and move on and heal are generally the people who make the best recovery.
About the author
Andrew G. Marshall is a marital therapist.
He trained with RELATE the UK’s largest couple counselling charity and has almost thirty years of experience working with couples and individuals looking for love.
He writes for Mail on Sunday and Psychologies magazine and runs a private clinic in London and Sussex with two associate therapists who also offer the Marshall Method.
His self-help books include the international best-seller ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you‘ which has been translated into over fifteen different languages.’
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