And this is what I teach, the six steps to inner bonding. So I’m going to go through these six steps and try to give you a little example of what it looks like to be in these steps.
So step one is the willingness, the willingness to learn, the willingness to feel our pain, the willingness to take responsibility for ourselves. I few aren’t willing to do that, we are going to be acting out of these addictions.
The moment we are not willing to feel our pain, we are right into our addictions. The moment we are not willing to take responsibility, we are out there blaming somebody, being victims.
Now as I said, sometimes we have to hit bottom here. We have to be doing this system for so long until we finally get that it doesn’t work.
And we say you know what?
I’m doing something wrong here, this just isn’t working, we hit bottom, and then we are willing. That’s when willingness occurs.
Nobody can make us be willing. Nobody has any power over our willingness. It’s something we are in charge of; it’s part of our free will.
I’m either willing to take responsibility and feel my pain or I’m unwilling, it’s my choice, but without willingness, we can’t go farther.
And so before going into the dialogue processes, we have to know we are willing, that we are willing to feel our pain and take responsibility.
So step two then, once we are willing, is a conscious decision to move into the intention to learn. We open our hearts; we do prayer, meditation, whatever we need to do to open.
We invite spirit in. we make sure we are coming from a place of compassion, compassion for ourselves, if we are exploring with ourselves, compassion with another, and ourselves if we are exploring with another.
Compassion comes from the belief that I have very good reasons, that we have very good reasons for our feelings and behavior, that we are not bad, we are not wrong.
We cannot be in compassion and judgment at the same. And the moment we think we are bad and wrong for what we have done, we lose our compassion and we are not in an intention to learn.
We cannot learn about what’s going on if we are not saying, I have very good reasons for this and I am compassionate against this wounded self that’s with in me and I really want to learn about the beliefs that are there, and the fears, and where they came form in the past.
So that’s step two, moving into an intention to learn. And tomorrow we are going to be going through these steps. You’re going to have an experience of each one of these steps.
And step three is we dialogue, out loud or in writing.
Between the loving adult and, normally, the wounded child sometimes the core self is, if we are in a good place and just want to know how to express, or have fun or play, but lots of times we are dialoguing with wounded self.
We are dialoguing with this frightened child, who hurting, angry, upset. But we have connected with spirit and so we have a new part of us here, we have god helping us on this exploration to learn about these feelings. And it’s a very deep process, step three.
Step four is we are dialoguing with our higher guidance. We are dialoguing with the teacher, the angel, god, whatever you connect with that will help you discover the truth and discover the loving action.
The truth about the false beliefs you uncovered in step three and the loving action that you need to take that’s different than what you have been doing.
Because our pain is coming from our beliefs and our actions, that’s what cause our pain, our beliefs and actions, not what anybody else is doing.
And so we are looking for, what are we doing, what are our beliefs, what are our actions that are causing our pain.
Then we are looking for, well, what’s the truth, and what else do we need to do differently? What is the loving action towards this child within us?
Then step five is we take the action. Now sometimes this is very challenging.
Taking action can be extremely difficult, because maybe the message we are getting, in regarding taking action, is to stand up for ourselves with somebody we are afraid to stand up to, maybe they are going to leave us if we stand up to them, to set a boundary with somebody, maybe they are going to get angry and leave us if we set a boundary and take care of ourselves.
Maybe the loving action is that we have to stop smoking or drinking or taking drugs, that’s going to be very hard, or stop eating sugar, or whatever.
That’s going to very challenging, very difficult, because we are addicted to it; it works to take away the pain. Maybe the loving action is to go back to school or change jobs or whatever.
Sometimes it could be very challenging. The loving action could be very challenging. But if we don’t do it, if we don’t then take the action, then this child could never feel loved, never feel worthy. We could do affirmations all day long.
We could look in the mirror and say you are a wonderful, beautiful, lovable child of god.
And if we don’t stand up for ourselves and let people walk all over us and if we are not feeding ourselves well and getting enough sleep and listening and taking good care, and if we don’t have balance in our lives, making sure we have enough fun, if we are not pursuing our passion, this child says sure, right, if moms so terrific, how come you’re not taking care of me, how come you’re not listening to me.
If I’m this wonder beautiful child of god, how come you give me away to everybody else to take care of, how come you don’t want responsibility for me?
And so there’s no way that we are going to feel lovable unless we are taking the responsibility, because the moment we make someone else, or something else, responsible we are rejecting ourselves.
And so that loving action is so important. If you had a child and your child came to you and said mommy, or daddy, I’m so hungry and you look and you smile and say oh thank you for sharing, and you do nothing.
The child is not going to feel loved. If the child comes to you and says I get really scared when you yell at me and you say tell me about that and you sit and you listen and then you don’t do anything about it, you don’t deal with your anger, is the child going to feel loved and special and important?
There’s no way, the same thing on the inner level. If the child says I need this or a higher guidance says this is the loving action and we don’t do it, nothing is going to change.
We are going to feel as bad as we always felt and we are going to continue to feel victimized and unworthy. So step five is a real challenge.
It’s taking the loving action and sometimes it’s really hard to take. But it is so rewarding, when we finally take that action and we get the good feeling that comes inside from really taking care of ourselves.
That’s when we really start to feel that feeling of god inside. That’s when we start to fill up inside. We are never going to get that full feeling if we are not able to risk taking the loving action.
And then step six is we evaluate.
Because we know the action is loving when we do get that full feeling, when we start to feel some peace, when we start to feel safer inside, because safety cannot be something that somebody else give us, we have to create the safety, when we start to feel some joy, some passion, and some aliveness in our lives.
Then we know that this is working. If we are look inside and we are feeling just as bad, then we go back through the steps, because we didn’t get the right loving action, we didn’t get the loving action that’s going to work.
And we can keep doing these steps. We can keep doing these steps over and over again.
These steps, once you really learn them and you practice them, sometimes you can go through them in two minutes, like if you’re at work and somebody is mean to you, somebody blames you, and you don’t know what to do, you feel immobilized, and you go in the bathroom and you do your process and you tune in, you get the loving action, it may not take very long at all and you come out and you take that action.
And you’re going to feel like a million bucks when you do that. Sometimes the six steps will take a long time. There are some issues that are very complex.
Sometimes when I’m unhappy about something and I don’t even quite know what it is, I’m going inside and I’m looking and I’m praying to god for help, sometimes it’s such a complex issue, it takes me a long time to get the answers.
But I know for me and the clients that I work with, that when I keep at it and I keep my heart open to the intention to learn, those answers will be there.
God will speak to me. I will hear what the loving action is, what the issue is, and that I will be able to do something about it. I have never known these six steps to not work.
The only way they don’t work is if you don’t do them. But when you do them, you do them consistently, and you practice them and you bring them into your life on a consistent basis, they work.
And as we do these steps, over a period of time, fear gets resolved, we feel safer and more secure inside.
About the author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books,relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process -featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette.
Visit her website at http://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone sessions available.
Visit http://innerbonding.com/relationshipmicro/ for a free video on conflict, rejection and control issues you may be having.
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