I recently was coaching a woman who was TOTALLY frustrated with online dating.
She had really had it!
So when I suggested that she continue online dating as part of her efforts to meet someone, she REALLY looked at me like I was nuts.
I knew EXACTLY what the problem was (and why she hated online dating so much), I mean, let me tell you something about my client (and you know I am pretty brutally honest about everything)…
She is an amazing woman that TONS of guys would love to date!
She’s very pretty, she’s smart and she has a great personality.
So what was the problem?
In a word (or two): SELF-SABOTAGE!!
Let me explain.
I asked her to show me her profile, and to make sure her four best pictures were on it.
I asked her to do this because men are as visual as Scooby Doo on steroids, and the first thing they do when they see your profile online is NOT read about your trip to Italy last summer.
They want to see how hot you are.
Now, before I get any reactions to that statement, keep in mind that every man has different taste in women.
What I find attractive, my friend may not find attractive at all. You want the men who find you hot!
After she sent me what I asked, I told her that she was making (I’m sorry to say) a number of the 16 biggest mistakes women make in online dating that sabotages them!
I hate seeing that happen to so many women.
So here are those 16 biggest mistakes so that you won’t self-sabotage yourself in online dating ever.
Oh, just one thing about the list before I start…
Some of these things may seem like I’m picking on women, but let me assure you — I am WELL aware that men make many of the same (and sometimes worse) mistakes online.
So don’t worry — men hear it every bit as much as you do on this! 🙂
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #1: THE PICTURE MONTAGE MISTAKE
Stop posting four different pictures from four different stages in your life. Women will put up pictures from ten years ago along with pictures that are current.
This leaves a man wonder “Who is this person?”
I’ve personally looked through thousands of online profiles, and the majority of women will put up pictures from different stages of their life but not put up current pictures.
All pictures that you put on an online dating profile must be current!!!
He’s going to find out what you look like when you meet, and there is no reason to lie about your looks.
If you’re heavier than you were ten years ago, there’s nothing you can do to change that but diet.
So don’t put on your profile a picture of you from ten years ago so that he will think that is what you look like.
Be okay with where you are in your life.
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #2: THE HALF PICTURE MISTAKE
Put a picture of you standing up, so he can see what you look like from head to toe.
Men are visual.
If you put a picture up just of your face and you’re heavier down below, then you probably won’t get a second date after you meet if you’ve not stated that in your profile and/or you’ve described yourself as “fit and trim.”
Men are attracted to all different body types.
Some men like ’em skinny, some like ’em curvy, some like ’em chunky, some like ’em voluptuous.
You are not every man’s type and you never will be (no woman is!)… so just be okay with it.
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #3: BAG THE LIST
Don’t list your dislikes about Internet dating in bold, capital letters at the beginning of your profile.
We’ve all had negative experiences online.
You don’t need to list them right away, which will make you come off sounding like a nasty bitter woman.
It’s better in your profile to emphasize your positive points, not your negative ones.
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #4: DESCRIBE ACCURATELY
List your exact body type.
It seems like on the Internet EVERYBODY is “athletic and toned”, “petite,” or “fit and trim.”
He will find out what you look like!!
You might as well tell the truth in your profile, so you’ll have a qualified lead and not waste somebody’s time.
Once again, men are very visual.
We would rather know what you look like so there’s no surprises.
That’s part of understanding that men are attracted to all different body types.
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #5: TIME IS NOT RELATIVE
List your real age.
In the world of Internet dating, it seems like there’s an abundance of 29 and 39 year-old women.
“29” usually means somewhere in your 30’s.
And a woman who is “39” is usually somewhere in her 40’s. I’ve seen many women list their age as 39, and then see their picture and realize they’re closer to 49.
Why start a potential relationship on a lie.
Men are guilty of the same thing, and I advise them the same way.
So, I’m not taking the side of a man. I’m just saying it’s best to list your own age.
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #6: DON’T INVITE EX’S
Stop putting up pictures of yourself that have ex-boyfriends in them.
Also, don’t put up pictures of yourself that are cut in half because you’ve cut out the head of a guy.
Get a friend to take new pictures of you and those up . . . don’t put up the ones with you and ex-boyfriends in them.
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #7: DON’T BE A TRAVEL AGENT
I’m really glad you had a great time on your vacation, but you don’t need to post ten pictures of your trip to Italy without you in them.
This is a dating site . . . not a trip advisor.
Also, stop posting pictures of you skydiving, winter skiing, water skiing, or doing anything else where we can’t see what you look like in the picture.
Most men are looking at the pictures to decide whether or not we want to contact you.
You have to learn how to market yourself to a man. Start with the pictures, body type and the age being correct . . . then we’ll get on to reading your profile.
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #8: BREVITY IS THE SOUL OF WIT
Keep your profile short and to the point.
Make your paragraphs very short. I’ve seen too many women’s profiles that look like romance novels.
Take a look at ESPN.com, and read an article in the sports section. All paragraphs are short so men can digest that information in short bursts.
If you want him to read your profile, you need to write it so a man will read it.
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #9: NO LAUNDRY LISTS
Don’t be so self-absorbed. I’ve seen so many women’s profiles that talk about “I want a man to be this,” “I want a man to do that,” “I want a man to cherish me” “I want a man to adore me,” and whatever other “I want . . . ” applies to you.
You list all your “I wants” without listing what YOU will bring to the relationship.
So you end up looking like you’re a taker and not a giver. No man wants to be with a taker…
He wants to be with someone who’s equally willing to give and to receive.
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #10: DON’T TURN YOUR PROFILE INTO A WANT AD
Don’t list your financial desires like you’re posting a want ad. I’ve seen too many women write In their profile “I’m looking for a man who will spoil me, buy me great things, and take me on great trips . . .”
You come across as a gold digger.
Now, maybe you are a gold digger . . . and maybe this is what you want and desire.
But even a man who’s wealthy is not going to get turned on by this. So tone it down a little bit.
Maybe say “I like the finer things in life to share with somebody” so you don’t come across so harsh.
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #11: NIX THE BABY TALK
Baby Talk! Even if the number one priority in your life is to be a mother, nothing scares a man off more than if you write in your profile about how badly you want kids and how badly you want to have a family.
He may feel the same way, but by writing this all he is going to think about is “This woman will marry anybody to have kids.”
So once again write something a little more toned down like “Families are important to me, and I can’t wait to meet my special man so I can start a family.” This shows you’re selective, and not just looking for someone with whom to make a kid.
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #12: FORGET THE RULES
Stop listing all your rules.
Don’t write things like “A perfect first date MUST be dinner” or “The man I date HAS to wear suits.”
Women tend to list rules in their profiles.
Be open to a different kind of first date.
Also, what about the kind of guy who wears jeans to work? I’m not making this stuff up. This is what I’ve seen Online.
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #13: NO NEED TO BE SO COY
Stop sending winks.
When is the last time you went to the grocery store, saw a cute guy and winked at him?
Winks went out of style when “Happy Days” went off the air.
You don’t like when men send you a wink. You think it makes him seem lazy and like he didn’t read your profile.
We think the same thing!!
So stop winking and start typing.
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #14: DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
If you write to a man and he doesn’t write you back, don’t write a nasty follow-up email and ask him why he didn’t write you back or say anything else that is not that nice.
If a man doesn’t write you back, it’s the same thing as when you don’t write a man back.
It means that he is not interested.
Don’t get angry . . . just find another person.
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #15: GO PAST WINDOW SHOPPING
We know you’re looking at us, because we see that you’ve viewed our profile every day.
Say “hello!” We’re not going to bite.
Lob that email in.
Take a chance and send an email to the guy to whom you’re most attracted.
You never know what might happen!
ONLINE SELF-SABOTAGE #16: KEEP THE MOMENTUM GOING!
If a guy that you’re interested in writes to you, stop playing games and write him back right away.
Don’t make him wait four days.
He may find someone else in the time you wait to write him back. Don’t play games and keep the momentum going!
I have found when online dating that if you’re honest about who you are, and you get back to people immediately, you’ll get the date faster and avoid all the back and forth games that go on.
Now that we’ve gotten all these self-sabotaging things out in the open, go change that profile and go start ENJOYING yourself online!
About the author
For over nearly 20 years David Wygant has been earning the trust of American men and women looking to transform their love lives.
Today, no dating coach on earth commands more respect from the media, from other experts, and from real-life individuals.
For more about tapping into David’s vast reservoir of dating expertise – and creating the love life you truly deserve – just sign up for the weekly newsletter or check out his best-selling products.
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