Women often ask me how I’m so confident in my life, in my relationships and in my business. I used to be surprised by these questions, but over the years I’ve discovered that, for some women, self-confidence is something they dream of, but rarely experience.
Instead, some women live off of a steady diet of worry, fear and resentment. And none of those feelings inspire self-confidence.
First of all, self-confidence is a necessary lifestyle change.
Think about this: truly self-confident women don’t sit around fearing the worst on the inside, but pretending to be on top of their game on the outside. They don’t do it because they don’t have to—their confidence is real.
The First Key to Self Confidence
So let me give you the first key to creating self-confidence: challenge yourself.
You have to challenge yourself to grow, because your self-confidence muscle has to be massaged and flexed often before it will become toned.
How does that happen? It’s very easy.
Just make a list of the things that scare you, like speaking up for yourself, wearing a sexy attitude no matter what clothes you have on, or starting your own successful business.
Then rate them how much these ideas scare you on a scale of 1-10. The higher the number the more you need to tone your self-confidence muscle.
Now take a look at your numbers and list to see which ones feel scarier than all the rest. Keep in mind most people let their fears tell them what they can and can’t do.
If you don’t want your fears to run your life, then it’s time for you to realize that not everything bad you think is going to happen will actually happen. A self-confident woman is aware of the risks, but chooses to follow her intuition and tone that muscle.
A self-confident woman will reach out for help when she knows she needs it. She will look to her family, friends and colleagues to see if they can help her.
If she realizes she needs a different kind of support—the kind she can’t get from her family and current friends and colleagues—she may decide to hire a coach, make new friends or create a vision board.
Because she knows good support can offer their actual expertise to help her find her blind spots and remind her of whom she really is.
You can do the same.
Get Inspired to Flex Your Confidence Muscle
In this video, I show you how to handle your numbers and increase your self-confidence.
Watch it now:
It will be empowering when you finally realize that self-confidence is like a muscle—you can work to increase its strength, instead of waiting for it to show up on its own, like prince charming.
Once you’re focusing on growth, then you can move on to self-confidence key number two.
The Second Key to Self Confidence
The second key to self-confidence is mastering your non-verbal signals.
When you feel devastated, worried, concerned or overwhelmed, how do you move your body? What is your body language like?
I bet you never thought about this before.
However, your non-verbal behavior will typically indicate how you’re truly feeling. And an observer may see your behavior and they may misinterpret the signals you’re sending.
More importantly, negative body language won’t inspire trust, hope or sincerity.
So what should you do? Try implementing your Power Poses.
Power Pose Your Way to Confidence
Power Poses were developed by Harvard Business Professor, Amy J.C. Cuddy.
Here is what Cuddy’s research has to say:
- “Holding one’s body in expansive, ‘high-power’ poses for as little as two minutes stimulates higher levels of testosterone and lower levels of cortisol.
- In addition to causing hormonal shifts, power poses lead to increased feelings of power and a greater tolerance for risk.
- People often are more influenced by how they feel about you than by what you’re saying.
- The research has broad implications for people who suffer from feelings of powerlessness and low self-esteem due to their hierarchical rank or lack of resources.”
Could it really be that easy?
Think about it … there are certain yoga poses, like Warrior, Standing Bow or Balancing Stick, that yoga teachers and students swear make them feel bold, strong and confident while doing them. So they repeat the poses often!
That’s why you hear from so many yogis: “I have to go to yoga and clear my mind.”
Get Ready to Power Yourself Up
In this video, I show you how to embody self-confidence through easy and smart power poses.
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After you’ve started flexing your confidence muscle and striking some Power Poses, it’s time to begin working with self-confidence key number three.
The Third Key to Self Confidence
The third key to self-confidence is to get specific about your 5 Ws and a H:
- What you want to be confident about
- Why you want to be confident
- Where in your life you want more confidence
- When you want to exercise your self-confidence
- With whom you want to be more self-confident
- How you want to be self-confident
I have met many women that want the feeling of self-confidence, but have no idea how to achieve that. If you remember from part two of this series, [ inset Key 2 link], most people are not always living in the 100% super-confident parts of their personalities.
As a matter of fact, most confident people still have some kind of fear. They move their self-confidence numbers up by getting specific about why they need their self-confidence to improve.
If you are the type of woman who gets annoyed or down on yourself right away when you aren’t feeling or acting confident, that is something that can be a gateway to a new way of thinking, or as I like to say, “a springboard back into confidence.”
So here is how you begin to get specific:
I want you to imagine your life, your situation and your relationship with another person, and I want you to feel what self-confidence feels like. Describe what it feels like.
What are you doing? Are you doing the same activities the way you are currently? I bet not.
Are you talking to yourself the same way as you are currently? NO WAY!
Are you able to see that when you exercise your confidence muscle, you feel lighter, wiser and happier? Absolutely.
Get Ready to Master Your Mind
In this video, I show you how to craft a self-confidence plan.
Watch it now:
Now it’s time to focus on the fourth key. Let’s get started.
The Fourth Key to Self Confidence
The fourth key to self-confidence is to connect with people that express their self-confidence in the way that you want to be self-confident. Essentially, figure out who your self-confidence All-Stars are.
Did you ever notice that self-confident people stick together? It’s the truth that no one really wants to be around someone that keeps speaking or acting like they have no self-esteem.
Because being around people like that drains your energy. It wears on you.
That kind of mindset is also draining to yourself because it literally puts you in a place of “I can’t.” All positive thinking and action stops there because you are telling yourself that what you want is unbelievable.
Unbelievable means it’s an idea that will not happen as planned, so the results are often an unmitigated disaster.
Self-confident people realize they can’t always do everything by themselves, so instead they create action statements of success:
I claim the right kind of help
- I can make changes to my plans
- I deserve a healthy relationship
One of my favorite suggestions to give my clients is instead of looking at every deficit in their lives—lack of confidence, lack of a relationship, etc—as a problem, look at it as a treasure hunt. Treasure hunts are exciting and fun, and they force us to look for the clues to find our treasure.
Is there anyone you admire, living or dead, who seems to exhibit a style of self-confidence that you really want? Choose someone with self-confidence you would want to emulate.
If you have no idea, think of someone you like. What do you know about them? Do they seem confident?
These people are your self-confidence All-Stars. Watch them. Learn from them.
It’s very important to understand that self-confidence is a skill, and your All Stars see their self-confidence very differently. You need to start seeing yours in much the same way.
Listen to how other self-confident people manage and train their minds
In this video, I will show how to interview those self-confident people.
Watch it now:
Now it’s time to combine key number two—Power Poses—with key number five, which is all about moving and grooving, while shaking your self-confidence self!
The Fifth Key to Self Confidence
This is one of the fastest ways to remove the guilt, the fear and the uncertainty that blocks your self-confidence. As I mentioned, key number two was Power Poses, and key number five takes those Power Poses and sets them to any kind of music your heart desires.
One of the best ways to get yourself out of a funk of unworthiness is to dance, let go and move to your absolute favorite soul-inspiring music.
Tell me how do you feel when you take a few moments to listen to music and move around like nobody is watching? I’ll bet you feel amazing and happy, and you’re enjoying yourself. Hello HEAVEN!
Your music choice can be anything that moves you out of your funk and right into your blissful and confident self.
In key number four I mentioned how the journey to self-confidence is really just a treasure hunt with clues. So think about how much music makes a difference when you are looking for clues.
It motivates, inspires and accepts nothing less than the results you want.
On my Facebook page, I often suggest dance breaks as a way to release the misery. Remember: Movement = Choices= Decisions.
When you are no longer in a tense state, your mind and body respond with better decisions. Never let your fearful mind win your internal arguments. Once you can be in control of your choices and decisions, then you’ll be more self-confident.
Find and dance to your favorite self-confidence playlists in three easy moves
In this video, I will show you how easy it is to create your Self-Confidence Playlist.
Watch it now:
Now it’s time to discover your Power Posse, Your Sister Goddesses, and Your Pips.
The Sixth Key to Self Confidence
This is one of the fastest ways to keep your momentum going when you have an actual group of self-confident men and women that will support you and hold you to your higher power.
How do they help? When you are feeling low they do more then just cheer you up with ice cream and tell you it’s okay to cry. They stand there and say sure this hurts but you can do better and I am going to support the better you.
What typically happens when you self-confidence feels shaken? Do you try to crawl into a hole? Do you tell yourself you were stupid for trying? This sounds low doesn’t it.
Gladys Knight reminded me once that she said she had confidence to do her work because of her back-up singers, her Pips. Who stands behind you so can be the best you can be?
I find most women struggle greatly with this concept. They may have one or two people that “kinda supports” them. This means their “kinda support” often comes with backhanded compliments and half-hearted words of encouragement.
Remember Key #4, your Confidence All-Stars they had a power posse, sister goddesses, and pips to help them stay forward. They didn’t keep close to them the people who didn’t believe in them.
Please do not confuse when someone tells you can’t that is a person that really supports you. When someone says no you can’t no your not capable and you think to yourself I am going to do this anyway that is your self-confidence talking to yourself, they are not power posse material.
How to create your very own Power Posse group
In this video, I will show you how easy it is to create your very own Power Posse.
Watch it now:
Now it’s time to become your very own Self-Confident Self-Starter.
The Seventh Key to Self Confidence
It’s time to move towards your truly self-confident self. It’s time you start giving back. It’s time you see the confidence in others and encourage it. Take time to boost other’s self-confidence, if you truly believe in them. Why not say it, really what’s stopping you?
Self-Confidence is a skill that must be practiced for yourself and your others. Why? Remember that sometimes when one starts to be self-confident they might feel a little snobbish or arrogant. If you can only say nice things and do nice things for yourself, you do not imbue others to support you. And it just gives you a false sense of self-confidence.
A false sense of self-confidence can lead you to place of impulsivity while trying to cover your tracks. That is not true self-confidence and your friends, family, and colleagues will eventually find out. Think about it when someone pays you a compliment and it just doesn’t seem to resonate, it may feel annoying.
What typically happens if you impulsively act with self-confidence you come across as an annoying person with low self-confidence. That is never a good solution.
Here is your action plan to become a Self-Confident Self-Starter
In this video, I will show you how to start giving back others without feeling left out.
Watch it now:
The Eighth Key to Self Confidence
How much time does fretting, worrying, or feeling overwhelmed take from you? Honor your fears but don’t let your fears run away. Set a time limit on your fears and lack of self-confidence.
I have met too many folks that allow vital mental and emotional space to be the place of worry and regret. This particular mental space just breeds more negative and fearful thoughts and actions.
I insist all of my clients create their self-confidence space. If you remember the clock exercise in Key number 1
I recommended we use time and space differently to create a positive effect on our psyche. This exercise is literally grabbing your fears and your doubts by the throat and delivering them a silencing blow. It’s about time right?
In order to create self-confidence in real time that means you must put a time limit on your fears immediately. I allow my clients no more then 10 minutes to have a self-doubt moment. Here is a key ingredient to your time limit. Say what your thinking out loud (even if it’s a whisper) and say it as fast as you can. Don’t hold back let yourself have it make this self-doubt moment BIG.
Once your time limit is up take a few deep breaths and allow your self-confidence voice to come forward.
Here is your action plan to become Create Self-Confidence in Real Time.
In this video, I will show you how to create self-confidence in real time in 3 easy steps.
Watch it now:
This key is all about mindset!
The Ninth Key to Self Confidence
Never fake it till you make it- watch your language. Use conscious language that says you claim and you have your self-confidence, not “ you hope, you will try, you need.” Come from a place of it’s inside of me not I want it.
Think about how desperate you sound to yourself when you are pleading with yourself to “get it together.” Our minds really don’t understand that instead what they listen to and grasp is you don’t have the self-confidence to move forward.
Therefore, the result is lackluster at best. This can easily be changed in the here and now. Your self-confidence is waiting on the real you to show-up, not the meek and fearful self.
Let’s begin now and change your self-confident language so you can expect the best results. State and claim your self-confidence as if it is already here. Return to the eighth key if you need to change your time and space around your fears.
Here is your action plan to become Conscious with Your Language.
In this video, I will show you how to use conscious self-confident language.
Watch it now:
Our Final key is taking truly bold self-confident action.
The Tenth Key to Self Confidence
JUST DO IT, stop fooling yourself that the stars will align, you will be given permission, get out there and do what you want- it doesn’t have to be perfect- it just has to be done.
It is wonderful to create the mindset and physical action but it will mean NOTHING if you never JUST DO IT!
Your self-confident action creates a rush in your mind and your body because you are really living then. Your self-confidence will take your breath away and others too because you really living instead of faking or pretending to be.
Remember in the first key about training your self-confidence muscle, this only happens if you actually take action. That muscle becomes stronger and your mindset gets clearer on what you need to do.
If you have worries take one more step forward… Just take a deep breathe and realize these actions are inspired actions so you can claim this self-confident moment.
Here is your action plan to become a BOLD SELF-CONFIDENT PERSON.
In this video, I will show you how to JUST DO IT.
Watch it now:
I’m hosting a free teleclass to help boost your confidence to speak your truth and stand up for yourself, without feeling like a bitch. You can register for it here.
About Jeannie Dougherty
Ms. Jeannie Dougherty, LCPC began her counseling career over ten years ago. She has worked with hundreds of clients helping them to seek balance in their lives. Her approach as a counselor and coach is to guide you in discovering your destructive patterns while creating new healthy habits.
To know more about Jeannie, visit her website www.jeanniedougherty.com.
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